The Breakup Test: 5 Questions to Ask Before Giving 'Em the Boot
By Elina Furman
Special to Yahoo! Personals Updated: Dec 26, 2007
Is it better to be the breaker-upper or the dumpee? With so much attention being paid to those poor people dumped every year, no one ever takes time to think about what it's like to be the dumper. Hardly an enviable position, the decision to break up with someone can breed feelings of guilt, paralysis and depression.
To alleviate some of this anxiety, here's a list of 5 questions to ask yourself before you give someone the boot.
Question 1: Has There Been a Major Change in My Life?
Relocation, career change, an illness -- any of these factors can trigger problems in a relationship.
Relocation, career change, an illness -- any of these factors can trigger problems in a relationship. If you're stressed out about something, be it a job or family problem, it's all too tempting to generalize these feelings to include your partner. It's very easy to think that if you got out of this relationship you would feel better. In reality, you need to deal with the problem rather than blame it on your partner.
Question 2: What's My Happiness Ratio?
Being blissfully in love with your partner 24/7 is a wonderful concept in theory, but as we all know, real-world relationships rarely live up to these expectations. Many people assume that they have to be 100 percent satisfied with their partners in order to stick with them, but good luck ever finding this perfect scenario!
A better strategy would be to adopt the 80 percent rule. Ask yourself:
Am I satisfied with my partner 80 percent of the time or more?
Am I satisfied with my partner 80 percent of the time or more? If the answer is yes, then you're working with pretty good odds. If the answer is no, you may want to consider moving on.
Question 3: Is He/She Abusive?
Abusive behavior comes in many forms. There's physical abuse where someone hits, slaps or shoves you. A verbally abusive partner degrades you with harsh words and insults. And the most difficult to identify and pinpoint: psychological abuse. This form of abuse can involve overly controlling behavior, emotional blackmail, and episodes of extreme jealousy. If your partner engages in any of the above behavior, don't just walk -- run from the relationship.
Question 4: Have I Expressed My Frustration?
Many of us think that if our partner was right for us, he/she would be able to understand our needs intuitively without us ever having to communicate. While it would be great if our partners could just read our minds, the truth is that few of us are telepathic.
Good communication is required in every relationship.
So before you give your partner their walking papers, make sure to discuss your doubts and concerns so they have a chance to make it up to you.
So before you give your partner their walking papers, make sure to discuss your doubts and concerns so they have a chance to make it up to you.
Question 5: Am I Willing to Work at It?
Whatever your gripes or complaints, there's one factor that can make or break your union: your mutual desire to work on the relationship. If you're not both committed to improving your quality of life together, there's very little hope for the future.
And remember, actions speak louder than words. If both of you make a concerted effort to work on the relationship and make the necessary changes that are required, there's really no reason to call it quits.
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Elina Furman's photo by Linda Rowe
." She has written and cowritten more than 20 books and has appeared on more than 100 national and local television and radio shows, including The Today Show, Good Morning America and The Early Show. Her books have been featured in Time, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Newsweek, USA Today and Fortune. She is online at .." She has written and cowritten more than 20 books and has appeared on more than 100 national and local television and radio shows, including The Today Show, Good Morning America and The Early Show. Her books have been featured in Time, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Newsweek, USA Today and Fortune. She is online at .
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